Damnit I'm so fucking bored right now. I skipped school (again) today, I have homework piled to the ceiling and have absolutely no motivation to do any of it. I have three articles for Journalism ("World Hunger," "What is Art?," and "Strange But True), an oral book review, a stupid "round table" presentation/group discussion about human rights, article presentation for World Communities, vocab, reading, UGH. This is all my fault. I haven't had any motivation to do actual 'productive' work for weeks now. I'm always lingering around the house, or on the computer, and I STILL don't get enough sleep. This is lame.
I need some fucking substance in my life other than school. Or maybe I just need to stop being lazy and just do my shit. I'm such a hypocrite. I always complain about not having enough time to do something, yet I waste 70% of my life doing absolutely nothing. For example, this blog. I would rather write in this blog or fill out one of those lame time-consuming surveys for hours than finish my homework. And I can't do my homework if I don't feel 100% up for it, because I hate not having everything perfect. I would rather have nothing at all than have something that I create and present to people that has flaws or isn't as good as it should be. I know my blog has a lot of flaws, fallacious theories, typos, and maybe a little red-neck like grammar, but it's okay because no one who really knows me read it anyway. And i'm not being graded by it. I may be getting judged... possitively or negatively, but it doesn't matter. I'm not as fastidious about the informatlities of online journals as I am about essays, presentations, or anything that is graded on a rubic scale.
And what I love about online journals is that you can just say whatever pops into your head. Everytime I blog, I usually just type what I'm thinking and based on my thoughts, I make up some lame title and say it's done. It's very theraputic. I never have to worry about writer's blocks, or spell/grammar checks, or sourcing. That's the beauty of it. It's just there.... naked and open for everyone to see. A doorway into my head. And I offer it to anyone who has time/is bored/interested/whatever to read my entire life story. Because I don't care who knows. God. It's so easy to say those words when it's just you and the computer. It's very intrapersonal.
Damnit this is lame. My thoughts are so scattered it's not even funny.
I need someone to talk to. I'm so tired of talking to myself... writing my feelings down on paper, instead of having a true and loyal confidant. My friends are too into their own shit/drama to even begin to comperehend my ambiguously psychological train of thought.
Maybe it's not them? Maybe it's me. I am, in many ways, emotionally closed off to most people. Sure, I may seem like an extrovert when you meet me, but that's not really me you're meeting. That's my fake, social self in which I use to get ahead of school/work/relationships. My inner self is more insecure. More quiet. More lazy, more depressed.
Wait, no. I'm lying. I'm both. I can be a really great person to be around--caring, friendly, easy to talk to. But then I can be the exact opposite, as well. I don't know what I am. I sometimes seek astrological help when I feel like being gullible. It's sometimes nice to have other people tell you "what" you are.
GEMINI
"There's two of you! Yes, you're borm under the sign of the Twins. So Twin One is blithe, amusing and always informed. Twin Two is a heartless and amoral flake. Light-hearted, easily bored and seemingly able to process any emotion whatsoever in five minutes flat, you're the heartbreaker of the zodiac. Some call you fickle but you go along with the Chinese sage Confucius (another Gemini) that 'only the wisest and the stupidest never change.' Irked as you can be by the demands of everyday love, you can be up for the unrequited romance or secret frission that is never quite kept at an exciting boil.
--from the astrology-based book, Soul Mating
